I have a blog at mysticwicks- http://ivyartemisia.mysticwicks.org
I might cross post things here, but thats my main personal blog now. Love to all!
You can click on my profile to find my coven's blog, and my paranormal blog. :)
Blessings!
No, I'm not talking about cheese.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I was just thinking about the changes that have come about since I turned twenty. Eight years have come and gone, and I've changed so much in that time.
1998: Drama queen. I fed on drama. Two boys liked me at the same time? They wanted to fight about it? Killer! We almost got shot at? OMG! Thats gonna make the BEST story to tell my other friends! And my net friends! When I get home from my job at Sears, I have to get home... I need to sign on to AOL and get into VM (a chat room). I like to make fun of the people who claim to be Wiccan and those who can't spell. Hell, I'll make fun of EVERYONE who wants to come to that chat. Because me and the other regs 0VVn that room. I can't believe that my mom COMPLAINS about my loud keyboard. Its not that loud. Why should she complain anyway? I'm going out with my friends. Yes, they ARE all guys. Yes, I've dated most of them. So what? Its fun to flirt! Teehee!
2006: Well, time to pay the bills again. Its funny how as soon as I pay them, its time again. Work is okay. The changes are really interesting. I hope I can keep my job. I make a decent wage, I guess. The coven is going well. We've had a few challenges (don't we always), but its okay, I guess. Change breeds transformation. That will be my new mantra. Soandso really irritated me today. I think it's cause of what she's going through. I'll have to text her later.
Now, I don't live and die by my friends and regard my family as a necessary evil. I love and cherish my family. Some of my friends really bother me sometimes, but I love them anyway. Even when I get pissed and say something shitty... its not with the venom that I used to. I don't FEEL as strongly about most things. I understand people more. I think its pretty important to be diplomatic, usually you can make your point known without inciting conflict (of course, sometimes you cant!). Try to put myself in other peoples shoes. Think of whats good for the coven, instead of whats good for myself. Make sacrifices for the good of the group. I think its probably training me for having a family of my own. It doesn't GET to be all about me. (however much I'd like it to be)
Sometimes I have to be painfully honest with people... even if its hurtful. I try to be diplomatic, but if someone isn't following through with what they promised, I have to bring it up. Trust is built on love, laughter, and faith/belief. If you say you'll do something and you don't, it means I can't trust you to do it. So, I have to do it myself. If you want my trust, you have to follow through with what you say. If you tell me you'll have the trash taken out tonight (who wants bugs- I don't!), and I even remind you a few times, yet you don't do it until I get between you amd the TV a week later (or do it myself), it just means that I won't ask you to do it again. That's too much wasted energy.
So, I try to be more mellow. I feel more peaceful. I feel calmer. (and not the crazy quiet calm that precedes rage, either) I give. I try to be a good friend. I pull my weight. I'm a partner. I love. I like almost everyone I meet. I give people the benefit of the doubt and second chances. I know I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes. And I would hope that people would afford me the same benefit of the doubt. I accept other peoples opinions. And I respect them. And just because someone doesn't agree with me fully- that doesn't mean that I don't agree a little bit with their opinion. That might make me wishy-washy. I think it makes me open-minded.
And sometimes I get mad. Really mad, even. Sometimes I want to tell people to fuck off. Sometimes I want to ask people why they think that they are better than me. Or tell them to shut the fuck up because they don't know what they are talking about. Sometimes I have a running dialogue in my head- streams of curse words. "If you don't like me, I really don't give a fuck!!! Back off, bitch!"
But then... somehow, my brain kicks in and I realize that if I scream my head off at someone, its not going to help the situation, no matter what it is. When I'm angry, even, I usually feel this serenity kick in, and I just have a feeling about knowing how to approach the situation. So, I speak quietly, even if I'm being yelled at. I "use my words," and I try my best to diffuse a situation.
Maybe its my over-analyzing virgo-ness.
Maybe its learning to be an effective priestess.
Maybe its learning to live with a man.
Or maybe I'm just mellowing with age.
I'm sorry that you think that being judgemental is a good thing. It's just mean. And you do it because it makes you feel better than other people. I feel sorry for you because you though you ooze confidence, you have a great lack of self-esteem or self-love. I feel BAD for you. Not in a snotty "I feel sorry for you" way, but I genuinely feel sad for you. My heart hurts for you. And I want to hug you. But I won't. 'Cause it can't help you. 'Cause you don't KNOW. And that's the saddest part of all. You can't learn the Mystery unless you open your heart. And with your heart barred by the wall you put up, you will only learn what is superficial. Until you are able to love people unconditionally, until you can love people- and all their faults- without judging them, you are doomed to live in a surface environment that only barely glances upon the deeper worlds. I pray tonight, that your heart opens. That you become the person that I know you could become. You are not my responsibility, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you and want you to connect. The way I know you are meant to.
Who am I?
Who are you?
Who knows, anyway.
I'm tired.
Know what I think is really sad? People who end their posts on message boards with LOL. "Haha seriously that is the pot calling the kettle black LOL."
Its like laughing at your own joke. It usually only happens when a joke isnt funny... or is in such poor taste that we need to know that its a joke.
When you are witty and funny... its great.
When you are lame and trying too hard... it comes off pathetic. LOL.
...and no where for it to go.
I found out this past weekend that a family friend of mine, who I considered a brother, passed away. He committed suicide. He was 40 years old. He was found DAYS after the incident in a house that he was sharing with his uncle. His uncle was also dead from stab wounds.
The newspapers are jumping to the conclusion that he killed his uncle. Well, my brother was a felon. (but thats a whole 'nother story) But he wouldn't do that. I've seen him crazy as all get out and he wouldn't do that.
I had a feeling when he left California that I wouldn't see him again. I just sang him happy birthday on his cell phone two weeks ago. I wish he would have picked up. I miss him. He used to call me "baby girl." And I gave the "best hugs."
I "told" him that he had better not show up in my dreams, and if he wanted to like... communicate that it had better be to my face. In daylight, preferably. I've been crying on and off. I hate crying... and I hate people knowing I'm crying.
I found out this info last weekend while at Palm Springs with my FSIL, FMIL, FGMIL, a friend and her mom. Not my mom... not my Ben. I got a call, and asked my mom if she knew why my other "brother" was calling me. She had a big long pause. I was like.. "what?" (I was secretly hoping he was calling cause he was gonna score me some race tickets or something GOOD...heh). She just said. "Harvey died." She told me that he shot himself. I was like..."Uh. That sucks." Because I didn't know what to say. She said, "I just didn't feel like putting on clothes and going over to tell you." I said, "MOM! I'm in Palm Springs." She had totally forgot.
We are all broken up about it. I miss him a lot.
But I know he's around. I felt him in Palm Springs. Ben kinda saw him tonight. I'm lucky. He's around.
Well, the world now knows that Mel Gibson said bad stuff about Jews while drunk. Now, I'm not the biggest Mel fan... I kinda think he's a bit of a nutjob. Though, he's a couple rungs down from Tom Cruise on the ladder of nutjobia. BUT. I kinda feel bad for him- who hasn't said stupid things while drunk? Who hasn't driven a car entirely sober? (besides me, of course ;) Should he have done these things? No, he's famous- and thats so STUPID. But sheesh, it makes me laugh when I hear all the people who judge him because of it. The only reason its a big deal is because he's famous... a famous Catholic, even.
I was pissed at first when I heard about all this going down. (And I did get some sick little pleasure that I knew about it before Ryan Seacrest dropped it as BREAKING NEWS on his morning show). But, the more I thought about it, the more I kinda felt bad for him. A little. Because we've all been there. Swearing at someone on the road, laughing at a dumb joke, things said while being drunk. Racial epithets get used. Most people don't MEAN anything by them and wouldn't say it to a persons face, for fear they'd offend them. It doesn't make it right... it just makes it common. I don't think Mel has any excuse for what he said. But I really think that his apology is the BEST apology I've ever heard.
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MEL SAYS SORRY TO THE JEWS
Tue Aug 01 2006 11:10:45 ET
August 2, 2006 -- There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of Anti-Semitic remark. I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a DUI charge.
I am a public person, and when I say something, either articulated and thought out, or blurted out in a moment of insanity, my words carry weight in the public arena. As a result, I must assume personal responsibility for my words and apologize directly to those who have been hurt and offended by those words.
The tenets of what I profess to believe necessitate that I exercise charity and tolerance as a way of life. Every human being is God’s child, and if I wish to honor my God I have to honor his children. But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith.
I’m not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one on one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing.
I have begun an ongoing program of recovery and what I am now realizing is that I cannot do it alone. I am in the process of understanding where those vicious words came from during that drunken display, and I am asking the Jewish community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery. Again, I am reaching out to the Jewish community for its help. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed.
This is not about a film. Nor is it about artistic license. This is about real life and recognizing the consequences hurtful words can have. It’s about existing in harmony in a world that seems to have gone mad.
END
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I think he did a good job.
I haven't blogged for a good long time, and just realized that my last blog was all depressing. So, I'm engaged, Pacific Circle is over and I can FINALLY start planning the fiesta. Its either going to be in July of next year or November of next year. It really depends on the dates available at the venue(s) we are looking at.
I haven't done any crafting for a really long time... in fact, I really need to purge some stuff and sell it off. But Ben doesn't like me selling my stuff... because it made me so happy when I got it.
For example, I have a huge (probably 13" diam; 10" high) cauldron. I don't use it. I just wanted to have it. I was thinking of selling it off, but Ben remembers how happy I was the day I got it and he doesn't want me to part with it. It does make an interesting conversation piece as it lives under an endtable in my living room.
I have many craft projects I need to do. I have my QVC AAM album to finish. I put it together, but haven't written in the journaling. I have my SECOND QVC album to put together. (These are my fave crop projects) I also just receieved 2 circle journals to do... AND I got these little mini binders from target that I want to decorate for Pagan pride day. I can make them into little mini BOS's with tabs and everything! That will be a BIG project, once I get the others out of the way! :)
This weekend is a pig roast @ Ben's parents' house- my mom and hopefully my dad will be coming, too. Then I work on Monday and will party at my parents for the 4th! I will try my best to blog more often.