{meliologie} {ivyologie}

I bet its somewhat like being a recovering cutter. There are those women to cut for attention, and then there are ones like me. When I feel hurt, frustration or despair, the urge to hurt myself is so strong, sometimes its like it's choking me. Sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe. Scary. I don't know if I feel like I need to be punished for something, or what. I'm pretty sure that sometimes it is. But sometimes its just out of frustration. Sometimes maybe I feel like its the only thing I can control.

I haven't cut... probably for four or five years. But when something goes wrong, especially when I'm stressed about money- I blame myself and my first thought is the knife. Is that awful? Maybe. But its the truth. It sucks, but its part of me.

For years, its been a battle and I've overcome every time. Through sheer will and determination. Most people don't see this weeping, sick part of myself. I hate it.