{meliologie} {ivyologie}

No, I'm not talking about cheese.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I was just thinking about the changes that have come about since I turned twenty. Eight years have come and gone, and I've changed so much in that time.

1998: Drama queen. I fed on drama. Two boys liked me at the same time? They wanted to fight about it? Killer! We almost got shot at? OMG! Thats gonna make the BEST story to tell my other friends! And my net friends! When I get home from my job at Sears, I have to get home... I need to sign on to AOL and get into VM (a chat room). I like to make fun of the people who claim to be Wiccan and those who can't spell. Hell, I'll make fun of EVERYONE who wants to come to that chat. Because me and the other regs 0VVn that room. I can't believe that my mom COMPLAINS about my loud keyboard. Its not that loud. Why should she complain anyway? I'm going out with my friends. Yes, they ARE all guys. Yes, I've dated most of them. So what? Its fun to flirt! Teehee!

2006: Well, time to pay the bills again. Its funny how as soon as I pay them, its time again. Work is okay. The changes are really interesting. I hope I can keep my job. I make a decent wage, I guess. The coven is going well. We've had a few challenges (don't we always), but its okay, I guess. Change breeds transformation. That will be my new mantra. Soandso really irritated me today. I think it's cause of what she's going through. I'll have to text her later.

Now, I don't live and die by my friends and regard my family as a necessary evil. I love and cherish my family. Some of my friends really bother me sometimes, but I love them anyway. Even when I get pissed and say something shitty... its not with the venom that I used to. I don't FEEL as strongly about most things. I understand people more. I think its pretty important to be diplomatic, usually you can make your point known without inciting conflict (of course, sometimes you cant!). Try to put myself in other peoples shoes. Think of whats good for the coven, instead of whats good for myself. Make sacrifices for the good of the group. I think its probably training me for having a family of my own. It doesn't GET to be all about me. (however much I'd like it to be)

Sometimes I have to be painfully honest with people... even if its hurtful. I try to be diplomatic, but if someone isn't following through with what they promised, I have to bring it up. Trust is built on love, laughter, and faith/belief. If you say you'll do something and you don't, it means I can't trust you to do it. So, I have to do it myself. If you want my trust, you have to follow through with what you say. If you tell me you'll have the trash taken out tonight (who wants bugs- I don't!), and I even remind you a few times, yet you don't do it until I get between you amd the TV a week later (or do it myself), it just means that I won't ask you to do it again. That's too much wasted energy.

So, I try to be more mellow. I feel more peaceful. I feel calmer. (and not the crazy quiet calm that precedes rage, either) I give. I try to be a good friend. I pull my weight. I'm a partner. I love. I like almost everyone I meet. I give people the benefit of the doubt and second chances. I know I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes. And I would hope that people would afford me the same benefit of the doubt. I accept other peoples opinions. And I respect them. And just because someone doesn't agree with me fully- that doesn't mean that I don't agree a little bit with their opinion. That might make me wishy-washy. I think it makes me open-minded.

And sometimes I get mad. Really mad, even. Sometimes I want to tell people to fuck off. Sometimes I want to ask people why they think that they are better than me. Or tell them to shut the fuck up because they don't know what they are talking about. Sometimes I have a running dialogue in my head- streams of curse words. "If you don't like me, I really don't give a fuck!!! Back off, bitch!"

But then... somehow, my brain kicks in and I realize that if I scream my head off at someone, its not going to help the situation, no matter what it is. When I'm angry, even, I usually feel this serenity kick in, and I just have a feeling about knowing how to approach the situation. So, I speak quietly, even if I'm being yelled at. I "use my words," and I try my best to diffuse a situation.

Maybe its my over-analyzing virgo-ness.
Maybe its learning to be an effective priestess.
Maybe its learning to live with a man.
Or maybe I'm just mellowing with age.

I'm sorry that you think that being judgemental is a good thing. It's just mean. And you do it because it makes you feel better than other people. I feel sorry for you because you though you ooze confidence, you have a great lack of self-esteem or self-love. I feel BAD for you. Not in a snotty "I feel sorry for you" way, but I genuinely feel sad for you. My heart hurts for you. And I want to hug you. But I won't. 'Cause it can't help you. 'Cause you don't KNOW. And that's the saddest part of all. You can't learn the Mystery unless you open your heart. And with your heart barred by the wall you put up, you will only learn what is superficial. Until you are able to love people unconditionally, until you can love people- and all their faults- without judging them, you are doomed to live in a surface environment that only barely glances upon the deeper worlds. I pray tonight, that your heart opens. That you become the person that I know you could become. You are not my responsibility, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you and want you to connect. The way I know you are meant to.

Who am I?
Who are you?















Who knows, anyway.
I'm tired.