{meliologie} {ivyologie}

No, I'm not talking about cheese.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I was just thinking about the changes that have come about since I turned twenty. Eight years have come and gone, and I've changed so much in that time.

1998: Drama queen. I fed on drama. Two boys liked me at the same time? They wanted to fight about it? Killer! We almost got shot at? OMG! Thats gonna make the BEST story to tell my other friends! And my net friends! When I get home from my job at Sears, I have to get home... I need to sign on to AOL and get into VM (a chat room). I like to make fun of the people who claim to be Wiccan and those who can't spell. Hell, I'll make fun of EVERYONE who wants to come to that chat. Because me and the other regs 0VVn that room. I can't believe that my mom COMPLAINS about my loud keyboard. Its not that loud. Why should she complain anyway? I'm going out with my friends. Yes, they ARE all guys. Yes, I've dated most of them. So what? Its fun to flirt! Teehee!

2006: Well, time to pay the bills again. Its funny how as soon as I pay them, its time again. Work is okay. The changes are really interesting. I hope I can keep my job. I make a decent wage, I guess. The coven is going well. We've had a few challenges (don't we always), but its okay, I guess. Change breeds transformation. That will be my new mantra. Soandso really irritated me today. I think it's cause of what she's going through. I'll have to text her later.

Now, I don't live and die by my friends and regard my family as a necessary evil. I love and cherish my family. Some of my friends really bother me sometimes, but I love them anyway. Even when I get pissed and say something shitty... its not with the venom that I used to. I don't FEEL as strongly about most things. I understand people more. I think its pretty important to be diplomatic, usually you can make your point known without inciting conflict (of course, sometimes you cant!). Try to put myself in other peoples shoes. Think of whats good for the coven, instead of whats good for myself. Make sacrifices for the good of the group. I think its probably training me for having a family of my own. It doesn't GET to be all about me. (however much I'd like it to be)

Sometimes I have to be painfully honest with people... even if its hurtful. I try to be diplomatic, but if someone isn't following through with what they promised, I have to bring it up. Trust is built on love, laughter, and faith/belief. If you say you'll do something and you don't, it means I can't trust you to do it. So, I have to do it myself. If you want my trust, you have to follow through with what you say. If you tell me you'll have the trash taken out tonight (who wants bugs- I don't!), and I even remind you a few times, yet you don't do it until I get between you amd the TV a week later (or do it myself), it just means that I won't ask you to do it again. That's too much wasted energy.

So, I try to be more mellow. I feel more peaceful. I feel calmer. (and not the crazy quiet calm that precedes rage, either) I give. I try to be a good friend. I pull my weight. I'm a partner. I love. I like almost everyone I meet. I give people the benefit of the doubt and second chances. I know I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes. And I would hope that people would afford me the same benefit of the doubt. I accept other peoples opinions. And I respect them. And just because someone doesn't agree with me fully- that doesn't mean that I don't agree a little bit with their opinion. That might make me wishy-washy. I think it makes me open-minded.

And sometimes I get mad. Really mad, even. Sometimes I want to tell people to fuck off. Sometimes I want to ask people why they think that they are better than me. Or tell them to shut the fuck up because they don't know what they are talking about. Sometimes I have a running dialogue in my head- streams of curse words. "If you don't like me, I really don't give a fuck!!! Back off, bitch!"

But then... somehow, my brain kicks in and I realize that if I scream my head off at someone, its not going to help the situation, no matter what it is. When I'm angry, even, I usually feel this serenity kick in, and I just have a feeling about knowing how to approach the situation. So, I speak quietly, even if I'm being yelled at. I "use my words," and I try my best to diffuse a situation.

Maybe its my over-analyzing virgo-ness.
Maybe its learning to be an effective priestess.
Maybe its learning to live with a man.
Or maybe I'm just mellowing with age.

I'm sorry that you think that being judgemental is a good thing. It's just mean. And you do it because it makes you feel better than other people. I feel sorry for you because you though you ooze confidence, you have a great lack of self-esteem or self-love. I feel BAD for you. Not in a snotty "I feel sorry for you" way, but I genuinely feel sad for you. My heart hurts for you. And I want to hug you. But I won't. 'Cause it can't help you. 'Cause you don't KNOW. And that's the saddest part of all. You can't learn the Mystery unless you open your heart. And with your heart barred by the wall you put up, you will only learn what is superficial. Until you are able to love people unconditionally, until you can love people- and all their faults- without judging them, you are doomed to live in a surface environment that only barely glances upon the deeper worlds. I pray tonight, that your heart opens. That you become the person that I know you could become. You are not my responsibility, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you and want you to connect. The way I know you are meant to.

Who am I?
Who are you?















Who knows, anyway.
I'm tired.

Know what I think is really sad? People who end their posts on message boards with LOL. "Haha seriously that is the pot calling the kettle black LOL."

Its like laughing at your own joke. It usually only happens when a joke isnt funny... or is in such poor taste that we need to know that its a joke.

When you are witty and funny... its great.
When you are lame and trying too hard... it comes off pathetic. LOL.

...and no where for it to go.

I found out this past weekend that a family friend of mine, who I considered a brother, passed away. He committed suicide. He was 40 years old. He was found DAYS after the incident in a house that he was sharing with his uncle. His uncle was also dead from stab wounds.

The newspapers are jumping to the conclusion that he killed his uncle. Well, my brother was a felon. (but thats a whole 'nother story) But he wouldn't do that. I've seen him crazy as all get out and he wouldn't do that.

I had a feeling when he left California that I wouldn't see him again. I just sang him happy birthday on his cell phone two weeks ago. I wish he would have picked up. I miss him. He used to call me "baby girl." And I gave the "best hugs."

I "told" him that he had better not show up in my dreams, and if he wanted to like... communicate that it had better be to my face. In daylight, preferably. I've been crying on and off. I hate crying... and I hate people knowing I'm crying.

I found out this info last weekend while at Palm Springs with my FSIL, FMIL, FGMIL, a friend and her mom. Not my mom... not my Ben. I got a call, and asked my mom if she knew why my other "brother" was calling me. She had a big long pause. I was like.. "what?" (I was secretly hoping he was calling cause he was gonna score me some race tickets or something GOOD...heh). She just said. "Harvey died." She told me that he shot himself. I was like..."Uh. That sucks." Because I didn't know what to say. She said, "I just didn't feel like putting on clothes and going over to tell you." I said, "MOM! I'm in Palm Springs." She had totally forgot.

We are all broken up about it. I miss him a lot.

But I know he's around. I felt him in Palm Springs. Ben kinda saw him tonight. I'm lucky. He's around.

Well, the world now knows that Mel Gibson said bad stuff about Jews while drunk. Now, I'm not the biggest Mel fan... I kinda think he's a bit of a nutjob. Though, he's a couple rungs down from Tom Cruise on the ladder of nutjobia. BUT. I kinda feel bad for him- who hasn't said stupid things while drunk? Who hasn't driven a car entirely sober? (besides me, of course ;) Should he have done these things? No, he's famous- and thats so STUPID. But sheesh, it makes me laugh when I hear all the people who judge him because of it. The only reason its a big deal is because he's famous... a famous Catholic, even.

I was pissed at first when I heard about all this going down. (And I did get some sick little pleasure that I knew about it before Ryan Seacrest dropped it as BREAKING NEWS on his morning show). But, the more I thought about it, the more I kinda felt bad for him. A little. Because we've all been there. Swearing at someone on the road, laughing at a dumb joke, things said while being drunk. Racial epithets get used. Most people don't MEAN anything by them and wouldn't say it to a persons face, for fear they'd offend them. It doesn't make it right... it just makes it common. I don't think Mel has any excuse for what he said. But I really think that his apology is the BEST apology I've ever heard.

**************************************************************

MEL SAYS SORRY TO THE JEWS
Tue Aug 01 2006 11:10:45 ET

August 2, 2006 -- There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of Anti-Semitic remark. I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a DUI charge.

I am a public person, and when I say something, either articulated and thought out, or blurted out in a moment of insanity, my words carry weight in the public arena. As a result, I must assume personal responsibility for my words and apologize directly to those who have been hurt and offended by those words.

The tenets of what I profess to believe necessitate that I exercise charity and tolerance as a way of life. Every human being is God’s child, and if I wish to honor my God I have to honor his children. But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith.

I’m not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one step further, and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one on one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing.

I have begun an ongoing program of recovery and what I am now realizing is that I cannot do it alone. I am in the process of understanding where those vicious words came from during that drunken display, and I am asking the Jewish community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery. Again, I am reaching out to the Jewish community for its help. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed.

This is not about a film. Nor is it about artistic license. This is about real life and recognizing the consequences hurtful words can have. It’s about existing in harmony in a world that seems to have gone mad.

END

********************************************************************

I think he did a good job.

I haven't blogged for a good long time, and just realized that my last blog was all depressing. So, I'm engaged, Pacific Circle is over and I can FINALLY start planning the fiesta. Its either going to be in July of next year or November of next year. It really depends on the dates available at the venue(s) we are looking at.

I haven't done any crafting for a really long time... in fact, I really need to purge some stuff and sell it off. But Ben doesn't like me selling my stuff... because it made me so happy when I got it.

For example, I have a huge (probably 13" diam; 10" high) cauldron. I don't use it. I just wanted to have it. I was thinking of selling it off, but Ben remembers how happy I was the day I got it and he doesn't want me to part with it. It does make an interesting conversation piece as it lives under an endtable in my living room.

I have many craft projects I need to do. I have my QVC AAM album to finish. I put it together, but haven't written in the journaling. I have my SECOND QVC album to put together. (These are my fave crop projects) I also just receieved 2 circle journals to do... AND I got these little mini binders from target that I want to decorate for Pagan pride day. I can make them into little mini BOS's with tabs and everything! That will be a BIG project, once I get the others out of the way! :)

This weekend is a pig roast @ Ben's parents' house- my mom and hopefully my dad will be coming, too. Then I work on Monday and will party at my parents for the 4th! I will try my best to blog more often.

I'm PMSing and Ben has really made me mad tonight. Except Im not mad... I'm just sad. Mad is so much easier on me. Whats interesting is that when I'm sad/depressed, my first thought is to sleep on the floor. Other people sit on the floor, or in the corner. I believe its because when I feel like giving up, I desperately look for a way to connect, and getting close to the Earth enables me to do that in some way. I connect to the earth... I unconsciously ground. I connect. I heal- at least a little bit.

Well, I watched the last episode of Charmed. In high, witchy style in candleight, and drinking down some wine. I'm still crying-- I'm so sad that its over. I guess I'm overly emotionally invested in that series.

So, Ben went to work this morning, and I gotup a little later and started crafting. I've been working on Mothers Day gifts this afternoon. I altered frames for my mom and grandmothers, and made photo blocks for bens mom.





I then polished silver for the first time. My mom gave me a beautiful silver bowl... and it looked like crap. It was so easy to polish, though. So I also polished my ritual crown and my silver bracelets.Score!!

... well, at least I'm going to try to make it into something lovey. Every time I try, though something has to go wrong and ruin it. Ben is working this weekend... Saturday and Sunday. 7-4pm. Saturday night is the full moon, so of course I have plans. I started working on some magnets, I'll post a picture later tonight, of them. They do look kinda cool. My magnetic tape that I bought to back them with isn't very strong, though, so I have to go buy something a little stronger to hold them. I'm going to make little sets of 10 to sell at Pagan Pride Day in September. We all donate our supply cost so that the fun amount goes into the coven coffers. Which has been good, since we haven't been collecting dues for awhile.

My saturday alone will be spent revising that evenings ritual, and working on the DAMNED COVEN SIGN. I've been trying to get motivated to work on it foreverlong. I even have a little sketch AND all the materials.

I'm beginning to finish up my QVC/CK/LB All About Me album and there is a part about life lessons learned. Thought I'd share some of mine:

*Never underestimate yourself
*Accept your personal power
*Don't complain unless you are willing to change, *Always consider the source when dealing with unpleasant or ignorant people
*Visualization is key to achieving the impossible
*Achieving balance is a noble goal, working toward balance is part of the lessons taught by Goddess
*Its not how fast you get to your destination, its about the quality of your journey down the path.

I altered letters for my I Remember When table for the open house/crops. I'm really excited about it. They look pretty good. I really like altering objects. Right now, I'm working on photo blocks for Bens mom.

These are a few little collaged boxes I made to sell at the local Pagan Pride Day in September. They will be little mini altar boxes with each of the four elements inside. I'm not usually good at the collaged look, but these came out okay, I think.

It seems as though my life has gone in some different directions lately. I have SO much on my plate, it seems like things are sifting through the cracks.

I'm a live-in girlfriend.
I'm an advertising assistant.
I'm a high priestess.
I'm a scrapbooker.
I'm an I Remember When instructor.
I'm a moderator for SCSW.
I'm a gamer.
I'm a daughter, a granddaughter and a sister.

It's becoming increasingly difficult to balance it all. I want to do EVERYTHING. And I want to do it all at the same time. And I want to excel at everything.

I think when I move...

I'll be a live in girlfriend.
I'll be an advertising or research assistant.
I'll be a crafter.
I'll be a solitary for awhile. (Like any other coven could compare to my current coven family.)

And I think I'm going to take this blog in a different direction. Stay tuned.

... deep subject, yes?

So, I've been cheating on my diet, and now I'm paying the price. I just need to be strict and good again. Its hard to just put the cheating part behind you and just KNOW you will NOW be straight and narrow dieter. Instead of feeling guilt and feeling like you are a HORRIBLE person.

Ben is having some problems at work. He hates it. Its impacting our relationship in a not good way. Though, I know that this too shall pass, and things will be back to where they were before.

We went to Santa Barbara a few weekends ago. It was a great little getaway. We went up to Solvang, did our OWN little wine tasting, ate at cute restaurants in downtown and visited the mission. It was a lot packed into a day and a half. It was fun.

Last weekend we went to the NASCAR races @ California Speedway. It was cool, except we get up at the crack of dawn to go down there, park, tailgate a bit. We walk around the pits, take pictures, hangout. Saturday night POD put on a nice concert. Afterwards, we were at the Richard Petty Experience and saw them just chillin. So we met them and they were really cool people. Sunday, we met up with my cousins and hung out and stuff. I was EXHAUSTED. And how I put on 3 pounds over the weekend, barely eating and walking a sh!tload, I don't even know.

Anyway. This weekend we have a coven meeting, and will have some fun. (If you are interested in what we do, we have a coven blog at http://twilightmooncoven.blogspot.com) And the social group Im part of is starting a study group. We'll probably meet once a month, I think. Too fun!

HaHAH! You can! I'm on weight watchers, since I'm the fattest I've ever been. And I've lost a little weight- and I'm not hungry.

In the beginning it was a little hard to tread the line between diet and ED. I have a rather compulsive personality... so there were a few almost puking times... and a few almost fasting days- b/c after awhile, you feel that when your stomach growls, its working, and you are losing weight. But now, I am feeling more mentally healthy about the whole thing.

Its been a lot easier that I thought- to switch to low fat/ non fat/ low calorie foods. They taste almost the same, anyway. And I'm getting better at being okay with microwaving stuff. All in all, I feel better about my food choices- and my stomach shrunk. I'm making such an effort. And its working... though slowly. That makes me happy-ish.

Weird Habits

This Meme Challenge from twopeas is about weird habits. I don't know if I have any weird ones. I know I have bad ones. I have secret ones. I have good ones. Weird, though... I dunno.

I, uh, have to check to make sure the closets are closed before going to sleep. I go thru some serious OCD-ish cycles, where each chair must be pushed in, and everything must be lined up, ie: shoes, items on a table.

I have to put all my SBing stuff away before going to bed each night.

I like to dance in the elevator by myself while it takes me up to the 12th floor.

Thats as weird as I get!

Global Warming Could Spell Disaster for Blacks: "Posted Jan. 18, 2006 � If you thought Hurricane Katrina was a once-in-a-lifetime fluke, think again. Concerned environmentalists say that unless the United States gets real about the threat of global warming, African Americans and other people of color can expect a repeat of disasters like Katrina."

Wow. I'm glad *I* don't have to worry, ya know, not being a person of color.

Leave it to BET to take an environmental story, and twist it to help market it to their target audience. I mean, seriously. With mini-headlines within the story that say, "Bad News for Blacks" and "Pollution Worse for Us," it demonstrates how odd people can think.

Here's a quote from the story: Relatively, Blacks are environmental Good Samaritans. Per capita, we emit approximately 20 percent less carbon dioxide than Whites – well below 2020 targets set by the U.S. Climate Stewardship Act. Not only do we use more energy-conserving public transportation, we spend considerably less per capita on energy-intensive material goods.

I'm not racist, nor am I profiling or stereotyping anyone. But if most of the people riding the bus could buy a car, they would. We'd all be at the same levels. The bus-riders, regardless of color of COURSE emit less CO2.

Another one: Yet Blacks are exposed to worse air pollution than Whites in every major metropolitan area.

Um, how is that possible. If I'm standing next to my Black friend, she is getting more pollution than myself? Is that physically possible? Where are their statistics coming from?

One more: That’s bad news, especially for African Americans. Citing Katrina as a case-in-point, some environmentalists say global warming impacts minorities and the disadvantaged harder than other groups. If global warming gets worse, many African-American communities will be more vulnerable to breathing ailments, insect-carried diseases and heat-related illness and death.

I think next time I read where tornados wipe out big CHUNKS of the midwest, I'm going to write a story called "Weather Anomalies Spell Disaster to White People!" I bet *that* wouldn't go over as well as this story.

Last night was our full moon ritual. We did a wish working, both for ourselves, and for the coven. We also did a protection working for my former covenmate Windkisssed. She's having some "negative energy from another person" problems. We raised a lot of energy for her- hope she felt it. Next month is our self-love ritual, and we'll be doing a working for a family member of a sister. Fun.

Then, some of us went to Caliqs for the Sister Witch Society party. We ended up getting there kinda late- like at 11. But we stayed until 145am, and were among the last to leave. There were so many people there- new faces! So fun! I'm just kinda bummed cause everyone was crafting and I didn't get a chance to talk to EVERYONE. But I made a new friend, and caught up with an old one, and got one whole row of knitting done. We also went outside and had a nice casual circle. We went around the circle, saying what made us a goddess, passed a candle, and then, the reciever of the candle said, "You are a goddess." We also did a prosperity spell for another girl there. Everyone had fun. A couple people hugged me and thanked me for presiding over the circle. That was really nice!

Its tough to write a different type of circle when you are used to writing a big ol' Wiccan circle. But I had a lot of fun!

It's been awhile since I blogged. Nothing big has happened, really. Saturday night I hung out with Melissa (Bens sister) and she brought 3 kids and Bens mom with. It was pretty cool, I got 2 pages SBed. Sunday we took all the holiday decor down, and got rid of the tree. Today I went to an all day training, but they let us out early, so I just went home and took care of my work there. :) I have to make a presentation tomorrow to my sales office in a meeting. Fun.

Sorry about my depressing last couple posts. I've been having some problems sleeping since I went on Weight Watchers. I don't know exactly what it is, but I've been having some issues. Last Wednesday I didn't sleep at all, and its been a battle. I'm learning that wine helps. Particularly if you down three glasses one after another.

Did I mention I'm not counting alcohol in my points. And I'm okay with that. I'm hoping to get all hot and skinny with weight watchers. That would be CRAZY. Then I'd grow my hair out nice and long like it used to be. And wear a short skirt, unless my cellulite doesn't go away. I'm thinking it will, though because of my fiber intake. :)

I'm posting a picture of me- it was taken last year (or the year before), but it makes my boobs look kinda biggish. :) I like it- and I rarely say that about a picture of myself.

I think Ima add it to my myspace, too. May as well. :) Only 4 days until the weekend! And its a full moon on Saturday as well!

I'm pretty well aware of the parts of me that I don't like. One is the fact that I have issues regarding being yelled at by men. I believe they stem from one BAD relationship- but I'll spare you those details.

When I'm yelled at, for example, if my boyfriend yells at me, I mentally detach myself from the situation. Its almost like I go into a catatonic state. I never really noticed it, but I paid attention tonight. I just want to curl into a ball on the floor, eyes wide open and just barely exist. Most of the time, I can't even hear what they are yelling at me, because all my attention is focused on not having a panic attack or collapsing onto the ground. Its an odd feeling, almost like meditation, focused on nothing, yet focused on everything. Like a coping mechanism?

At least I realize that it's weird, right?

Hurt and pain
fall like
suicide rain
cast the blame
on me
I'm insane

Smell the flowers?
Instead, count the hours
before the powers
take me far from this place

Piles upon piles
on shit go for miles
of issues exposed
and hard times and trials

So when anger ensues=
my segregation within
my fear
silent cry
for your one of them

men

not your fault
I'm a vault
of layers of salt

dissolving in pain
of suicide rain

I got this from Rayne's myspace... Pretty interesting.